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If you’ve ever gone through a tough time (or even a regular time) and had someone reach out to check on you, then you know how nice it can feel when someone shows they care.
Loneliness is a universal human experience, yet it’s often overlooked or misunderstood. Checking in with someone who might be feeling lonely is a simple but powerful way to show you care. It can remind them that they are valued and supported, even during challenging times.
Whether it's a friend going through a tough patch, a family member living far away, or a colleague who seems withdrawn, small gestures of connection can make a big difference.
This blog explores the art of checking in—practical tips to support the people in your life who might be feeling lonely.
Recognise the signs of loneliness
Loneliness doesn’t always look the way we expect. Some people might openly express their feelings, while others might mask them.
Look out for changes in behaviour: withdrawing from social activities, appearing distracted or down, or frequently mentioning feeling left out.
Consider life changes: moving to a new area, losing a loved one, or transitioning to retirement can increase feelings of loneliness.
Consider the time of year: the festive season can be a particular lonely and difficult time for many.
The first step to offering support is to notice when someone might be struggling.
Start the conversation
It can feel daunting to bring up loneliness, but simple, compassionate conversations can be transformative. For most people, just asking if they are okay and listening can make a difference. By simply being there for someone, they can feel less alone and more supported to open up and talk about how they are really feeling.
Choose the right time and place. A quiet moment when you’re not rushed can make the conversation feel more personal and meaningful.
Keep it simple. You could start with something like, “I’ve been thinking about you—how are you doing?”, “I noticed you’ve seemed a little quiet lately. Is there anything on your mind?”, “You don’t seem quite yourself lately, is something bothering you?
Listen actively. Be present, avoid interrupting, and resist the urge to “fix” things right away.
Sometimes, just feeling heard can be the best support you can give.
Listen, don’t suggest
When we’re concerned about someone, our instinct is often to want to help. However, firing out solutions can feel overwhelming or unhelpful if the person isn’t ready to think about tackling things just yet.
Sometimes, there isn’t a solution, and the person may just need to vent or feel heard. One of the most valuable questions you can ask is:“Do you need advice, or do you need to vent?”
If they do open up, make sure to validate their feelings. Instead of proving you’re the best adviser, show that you understand with responses like:
“That sounds really tough.”
“I’m so sorry this is happening.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m so glad you’re telling me about this.”
“You’re right.”
It might feel like therapist-speak, but validating their feelings demonstrates that you hear and care about them.
Helen, a mum navigating recent health struggles, shared how another parent reached out to ask about her son. Through their chat, they discovered shared anxieties and realised they weren’t alone in their struggles. Helen said, “It was so reassuring to hear that some of her triggers were the same as mine.” Their conversation became a mutual exchange of understanding and advice, showing how a small check-in can lead to a meaningful connection.
Share your own experiences
Opening up about times when you’ve felt lonely can help normalise the emotion and make the other person feel less isolated.
For example, you might say:
“I remember when I moved to a new city and didn’t know anyone—it took me a while to feel connected.”
“Sometimes I feel lonely too, even when I’m around people. It helps me to remind myself it’s okay to feel that way sometimes.”
Sharing your experiences can create a sense of mutual understanding and connection.
Small gestures, big impact
Checking in doesn’t always require a deep conversation—small acts of kindness can also help.
Send a message. A quick “Thinking of you” text or a meme that reminds you of them can brighten someone’s day.
Drop by or call. A spontaneous doorstep visit or phone call can break up a long, lonely day.
Share a moment. Invite them for a walk, coffee, or even a virtual hangout if you can’t meet in person.
Jamie* shared how small tokens of care can make a big difference: “I’ve sent pocket-sized ‘friends’ to people to remind them they’re loved and checked in on colleagues during tough times.” When she experienced bereavement and major surgery, Jamie was on the receiving end of thoughtful gestures like notes and small gifts. “These tokens of thought made me cry, smile, and feel connected when life felt like it was disintegrating around me,” she said.
Don’t just text
Sometimes words aren’t enough, and small actions can be powerful ways to show support, such as making a hot meal, sending flowers, or offering to walk the dog. While these gestures can be meaningful, remember to consider the person’s unique situation. Some people might welcome an impromptu visit; others might not. A well-thought-out action, done with empathy and understanding, can speak volumes.
Texting can be a great way to let someone know you’re thinking of someone. Don’t forget some other brilliant ways to connect as well …
Phone calls or video calls
Cards or postcards (These don’t demand an immediate response)
Visits: If appropriate, a coffee visit with some notice can be a kind gesture. Bring snacks or suggest time outside for a low-pressure way to connect.
Amy finds joy in sharing small acts of kindness, from dropping off apple crumble to her older neighbour to sending daily emojis to a friend. “Last week, my friend sent me a Paddington postcard with a ‘saw this and thought of you’ message—it completely made my day,” she said. Simple actions like these can be thoughtful ways to brighten someone’s mood without needing a lengthy conversation.
Making plans
If a spontaneous visit feels overwhelming, planning something in advance can help.
Offer a specific activity and time to make things easier for them to agree:
“Do you want to watch that new film while it’s still out?”
“I’ve just found the best new bakery. Can I tempt you?”
“It’s meant to be nice on Friday. Fancy walking the dogs together?”
“Can I take you for a drink next week? My treat!”
Helping someone reconnect with their community or passions can be a meaningful way to support them.
Share resources. Suggest local groups, clubs, or activities they might enjoy. For example, community gardening, book clubs, or exercise classes.
Join them. If they’re hesitant, offer to go along to the first session or event. Your presence can make trying something new feel less intimidating.
Help them rediscover old interests. Sometimes, encouraging someone to pick up a hobby they once loved can reignite a sense of purpose and joy.
What to say to someone who is feeling lonely
When someone opens up about feeling lonely, it can be hard to know how to respond. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or feel unsure of how to help. Often, the most meaningful thing you can do is simply listen and show you care.
“People aren’t responsible for me being lonely”
"People can’t help me miss my wife less, but a friendly ear helps,” says Ron, 78, a retired widower. “Just being able to tell someone how I’m feeling makes me feel like I’m not going mad, and loneliness isn’t something to be ashamed of.”
Takeaway ➡️ You don’t need to solve someone’s loneliness or take responsibility for their feelings. Small gestures—like listening or sharing a cup of tea—can make a world of difference.
“Just having someone listen really helped”
"I felt so embarrassed at first because there’s this stigma around loneliness,” says Ali, 43. “But when I opened up to my friend, she just listened and said: ‘I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling this way, is there anything I can do to help?’ It was the perfect response: empathetic and practical with no judgment.”
Takeaway ➡️ Resist the urge to give advice or minimise someone’s feelings. Sometimes, offering a listening ear and a kind word is the best way to show support.
“I don’t want people feeling sorry for me”
"I think people don’t ask me how I am because they’re worried I’ll start crying or get upset,” says Elsie, 84. “But you can still have a giggle when you feel lonely. The only death has been my social life! When people ask me how I am, I might say I’m feeling lonely, but the next time they ask, I could be fine.”
Takeaway ➡️ Normalise conversations about loneliness by keeping them light and compassionate. The more we talk about it, the easier it becomes to address.
Use language that empowers
How we talk about loneliness matters. It’s often described with negative or medicalised terms, like an ‘epidemic’ or something people ‘suffer’ from or ‘admit’ to having. This language can make loneliness feel like a shameful or permanent state. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong or unusual about feeling lonely—it’s a natural part of being human.
Instead, try to use neutral or empowering language.
Avoid putting someone on the spot. Asking “Are you lonely?” directly might feel too intense or uncomfortable. Instead, try saying something like: “Do you think you’d benefit from seeing more people?” This gentler approach can open the door for someone to share their feelings without fear of judgment.
From “I am lonely” to “I feel lonely.” This small shift emphasises that loneliness is a feeling, not a defining trait.
Avoid “suffering from loneliness.” Replace it with “experiencing loneliness” or “feeling lonely.
By reframing the way we talk about it, we can remove some of the stigma and encourage open conversations.
Quick tips
Here are some quick ways to support someone experiencing loneliness:
Be attentive: Pay attention to their cues and start small.
Ask open-ended questions: Try “How are you going?” or “What’s been happening in your life lately?”
Be a good listener: Listen patiently and without judgment.
Acknowledge what’s said: Use phrases like “I see,” “I hear you,” or “That makes sense.”
Avoid fixing things: Don’t try to solve everything; instead, offer to brainstorm solutions if they want.
Be respectful of boundaries: Accept if they’re not ready to talk.
Take care of yourself: Supporting someone else can be draining, so prioritise your well-being too.
Loneliness is a shared human experience
Checking in with someone who might be feeling lonely doesn’t require grand gestures or perfect words—it’s about showing up, listening, and offering a sense of connection. We’re all human, and loneliness is a natural emotion that we all feel at some point. Your small acts of kindness and compassion can help remind someone they’re not alone.
Do you have any tips or experiences about checking in with others? We’d love to hear them—share in the comments below!
*Name changed to protect anonymity
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